Second Pattern Today
Scorchy McFire was not your average dragon. He wasn’t guarding treasure, torching villages, or battling knights—no, Scorchy was living in my backyard next to the bird feeder and patio furniture. We adopted him from a highly questionable Craigslist ad titled “Free Lizard (Kinda Big, Likes BBQ).” Turns out, “kinda big” meant 27 feet long with wings that knocked over our lawn swing every time he sneezed. We named him Scorchy McFire after he accidentally toasted my wife’s favorite flowers and a lawn gnome that looked like her Uncle Marvin.
Scorchy tried to fit in. Really, he did. We signed him up for obedience school, but the instructor quit after he cooked a couple of poodles. So we switched to home training. I bought a 300-pound chew toy and a flamethrower-proof recliner just in case. Things were going well until Scorchy discovered DoorDash. Every time I turned around, he was ordering 87 hot wings and tipping with gold coins he dug up from under our neighbor’s trampoline. One time, he got banned from a vegan café for breathing fire on a soy burger and yelling, “Burn Baby Burn!”
Still, he’s part of the family. Sure, we have to keep an eye on our dog, Holly. She likes to bite at Scorchy's ankles, and yeah, he once barbecued our water heater thinking it was a metal chicken. But he keeps the house warm in the winter, scares off porch pirates, and gives the best aerial views during fireworks on the 4th. We love that big, scaly disaster. Even if he accidentally melted my truck while chasing the mailman.
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